THE TWEETING: ‘LIZ AND DICK’

The Tweeting is a series wherein we log and celebrate spits and spats, tantrums, and general outpourings of live tweeting from our writers, as they watch what you, Dear Reader, should not have to.

‘Liz and Dick’  is a Lifetime original movie chronicling Elizabeth Taylor’s relationship with Richard Burton, played by Lindsay Lohan and Grant Bowler respectively.

@yeahyeahsam: Welcome to the #lizanddick feed @ALTFEEDBACK readers! I am qualified to do this because I read all of Furious Love and I am insufferable.

@yeahyeahsam: Did you know that this is “based on a true story?” So is every episode of Law and Order SVU.

@yeahyeahsam: Drinking game: Every time someone speaks, throw your glass of scotch at the screen, weep.

@yeahyeahsam: The Liz accent has already begun to waver, five minutes into the film. Hello, Long Island LiLo. 

@yeahyeahsam: TAKE A DRINK EVERY TIME SOMEONE SAYS BOSOM

@yeahyeahsam: Burton, sad that Lohan in a black wig rebuffed his comments/street harassment, has begun drinking, and presumably won’t stop.

@yeahyeahsam: One magical makeout sesh in the back of a warehouse, and you suddenly stop hating each other. This is just like high school.

@yeahyeahsam: “Eddie, good to see you! I’m sleeping with your wife!” – the ghost of Grant Bowler’s career.

@yeahyeahsam: If soap operas have taught me anything, it’s that joint-bubble baths lead to SEX SCENES. 

@yeahyeahsam: Mmmm, adultery underscored by overwrought poetry.

@yeahyeahsam: Everyone’s accents came back just in time for two back-to-back suicide attempts.

@yeahyeahsam: Lifetime’s ON TOP of its ad game. We’ve had cat-eye mascara, vodka and tempurpedic mattresses (you know, for all the fucking)

@yeahyeahsam: “I hate you.” “No you don’t” “No, I don’t”

@yeahyeahsam: “But what about the turbans, Sam?!” I’m glad you asked, she’s currently wearing a furry one.

@yeahyeahsam: Wondering if the makeup they used to cover Lohan’s freckles and contour her coke bloat would work on my facial birthmark?

@yeahyeahsam: Mr. Sheffield from The Nanny has appeared I can now confirm at least one person in this film is British.

@yeahyeahsam: The “reminiscing in a blackbox theatre” thing is a nice touch that I would have used when writing this movie on my livejournal

@yeahyeahsam: HATS! YELLING! DIVORCE! MORE HATS! COCKTAILS! OVERWHELMING DESPAIR!

 @yeahyeahsam: You can tell where the Lifetime budget is dipping. I bought that Taylor-Burton diamond at Forever 21 yesterday.

@yeahyeahsam: Is this Grey’s Anatomy?” – Dad 

Cleo-Fat-Ra. Solid burn, Lifetime

@yeahyeahsam: We’ve had two monologues from the butler so far about how wrong he was to not like Elizabeth at first. We were all wrong. 

@yeahyeahsam: Mom has spent this entire movie thinking Grant Bowler is a very haggard Greg Kinnear.

@yeahyeahsam: Surprise paralysis! Furry turban count: 3.

@yeahyeahsam: Crying while chugging vodka is also how I deal with my problems.

@yeahyeahsam: They didn’t use enough spirit gum on anyone’s facial hair.

@yeahyeahsam: A doctor just told Liz that she probably has colon cancer but he’s not too sure. Then backed out of the room stage right. 

@yeahyeahsam: Whoops, I thought the boat run aground in this Time Warner commercial was Liz and Dick’s yacht.

@yeahyeahsam: OH MY BAD YOU DON’T HAVE COLON CANCER OH HO HO GOOD THING RICHARD BURTON IS HERE I’LL LET YOU CRAZY KIDS RECONCILE.

@yeahyeahsam: I trust one of you can find me a gif of 80s Liz fainting when she hears Burton died.

@yeahyeahsam: What the hell happened? It’s over. Guys that blackbox theatre is some kind of purgatory where they smoke camels in the void.

@yeahyeahsam: They’re dead, talking to fake reporters about their love affair out somewhere in the ether. Are we dead?

@yeahyeahsam: I’m done. I’m going to go down some scotch and ask the first man I see why he doesn’t love me. Thanks for tuning in @ALTFEEDBACK!

-Samantha Wilson

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